I hated when people said that the trauma would make me stronger and that whatever didn’t kill me would make me better. What did people know about my true feelings? What kind of x-ray machine would need to have to see through my flesh and blood into the hollow box I kept inside? It was quite the contrary, the trauma gave me trust issues, PTSD, nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, and neurologic issues. However, I had to spoil it from the beginning and let the people know that eventually, I made myself stronger, despite the trauma that I endured. It was quite a journey, to be honest, but if only under pressure a diamond becomes what it is, then I had to go through some transformation and metamorphosis to be able to get out of all of these. I just wanted to let the people know that I was done peopling and long story short, I survived, and they could go to heaven, or to hell.
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
When the world was breaking in half, I couldn’t hide any longer behind those pretty hazel eyes and say that everything was fine. I sacrificed everything I had and yet found a way when I might have suffocated and ignored the elephant in the room. But I couldn’t ignore anymore that were hidden signs of childhood trauma, and I had to let people know about them and understand why I was done peopling. At first, I had few or no memories while trying to remember anything that happened in my distant past. I just found a void in my thoughts. When I tried to silence my mind, it was always a background noise, but when I tried to recollect the memories, were not there anymore, it was silence. Probably were scared and still frighten in the closet like the little me-child that was under the duvet, away from everything that would make it feel awkward. Then, I felt uncomfortable around certain kinds of people without knowing why. Actually, I do know why, after all the ones that broke me to pieces and treated me with ignorance and lack of sympathy, what else to expect? Also, I was constantly worrying that the worst would happen, even during good times. The anxiety was always there, and I would put all the terrible thoughts before anything else. Furthermore, I hoped to be rescued by others and seek experiences that reconfirmed the belief that nobody cared about me. The victim mentality was always there whenever I didn’t need it, because I thought being weak was created to keep women in a state of suppression and control, so why I would be different? Last, I was breaking into tears for no apparent reason, adding a little bit more drama to the whole picture of a needy human. The little me never saw and knew that these reasons were there to be overcome, dissembled, and conquered. Thank God I grew up! I am sorry that I put myself through hell and tried to love myself when I also hated myself. I knew was too late to apologize for all the mistakes that I didn’t see, and I carried all the blame, but I wasn’t more than just a child. Regardless, I made myself a promise. I promised that one day I will be alright and keep myself safe and sound even when everything was feeling crazy, and I didn’t know how to stop or slow it down. There were some things we needed to talk about, but I couldn’t stay. I took a piece of my heart and gave it to my little me, so when we were apart, never feel alone and scared, be brave and stop hiding under the covers.
The past few years were rough ones, that tested me and tried to break me. Unfortunate events tumbled down one after another, testing my strength, my patience, and my sanity. However, I was determined to come back for what was mine and I started to heal and looked for everything that could help me keep my promise made. I felt it was time for alignment, and I would not let anyone else stay in my way. Even though I tried everything I knew, when I was less expecting it I went through something that destroyed me. There was something that was dragging on with me for a long time, and I was not okay for a while. I was wondering why nobody wanted to know what was wrong with me, but I already knew what was wrong with me. My unhappiness made me isolate myself, and I considered myself unlovable and unworthy. During my lifetime, I have had few friends, and I recently lost something I thought was extremely meaningful: a lover, my faith, my family, or all of them combined. I blame myself for that and made me compulsive that I wouldn’t sleep or eat anything healthy. I used to take care of my appearance, but I lost interest in that, so I avoided mirrors. Likewise, I avoided sunlight, but I felt guilty because I considered it unhealthful and even immoral not to like it. My real nature was not one of convention, but I liked to pretend to be one, so people wouldn’t notice me. I liked sometimes that as well and I would dress to draw the eye but then I thought that men who looked at me were fools or worse. In fact, I was drawn to dark, complicated, impossible men, assuring myself of isolation and unhappiness since I was happiest by myself. The circle kept repeating, like a snake consuming its own tail, because I could not stop thinking about what I had lost, again blaming myself. I heard death whispering like a wicked dark shadow telling me who my real friends were, but I also heard it telling me that I didn’t have any. When I was going through something life-changing and heartbreaking and needed someone, I lost everyone. People didn’t always come up when I expected them to, and occasionally the items I lost were replaced, but not the people. Sometimes letting go was really just making space. When I felt like dying, there were no tears left for crying. I was alone on the edge of a cliff, tired of fighting the monsters I was hiding from, and I wondered whether I would be missed. I was clinging to life since everything was gone, but I didn’t want to say goodbye because it meant forever.
“When you’re surrounded by all these people, it can be lonelier than when you’re by yourself. You can be in a huge crowd, but if you don’t feel like you can trust anyone or talk to anybody, you feel like you’re really alone.”
― Fiona Apple
Wondering what was it like being depressed? It seemed like I couldn’t remember what better felt like, and I tried things that I thought would make me feel better, but they didn’t. They aggravated the situation. I couldn’t do the things I was most afraid of since they were the ones that would benefit me the most. I was a brave woman because I had no choice but to be strong. In every condition I’ve been in, I’ve had to choose strength. Being strong was a hardship for me at times, and I didn’t want to be strong all of the time. I had no choice but to decline guidance since I didn’t know what else to do. I was reluctant to ask for help because I had always been the only one, the only dependable one, the only one who had to take responsibility. I had no option but to be tough when I was the only one there my entire life. If someone could show me that they were dependable, responsible, and strong, I could share part of the burden. A powerful woman, on the other hand, would never settle. For a long time, I understood what agony I had to go through, and at times I wanted to give up. But damn, I had to keep it on anyhow because of all the disappointments in life that taught me that being brave was the only way to proceed. Even though I had been through hell, I always wondered why I would stop in there, therefore I had to keep going. I didn’t seek help very frequently because I managed my own healing, but when I did, it signified something was wrong. I was tired of fighting every single day. I struggled to wake up, and I fought to sleep. I just fought for everyone else. When was someone going to think I’m worth fighting for? I was tired of surviving, and I just wanted to live. It wasn’t simple to let go of everything. I’d give everything to let go; all I wanted was to be good enough for someone else. I never wanted to be a fighter, but life threw me in and shouted, “Survive!” …and I did.
I brought loss and grief into my house. I learned that life was brutal and uncalled for the majority of the time, resulting in nothing but chaos. The sun would rise and set, and the days would pass whether or not I was around to witness them. I discovered that the future was a mirage, and the past was a cage. I learned to hang on to what was important by learning to let go. I discovered that individuals would betray you and then defend it. They’d cross every boundary I established, their pride by their side, and let their views cling to my neck. I discovered that not everyone was good and that some people were truly evil. I was taught strength, grief, and how to deal with the in-betweenness of life. The most essential lesson I learned was that I thought I had time, but time was a finite resource. How could I ever trust again? I remained up all night convincing myself that I was alright. I haven’t been myself, but I knew my glow would return and I would light as brightly as I was born to. It was challenging when I found myself not being myself and feeling as if my entire life was shattering before my eyes. I couldn’t display my wounds, the sorrow in my heart, the pain that never went away. With all of my sufferings, my heart was simply a hollow box, and I wasn’t hoping for tomorrow. But I knew there was a purpose, and I had to deal with the cards that were handed to me. I couldn’t lose, I wasn’t going down without a fight, because I had full faith in myself. People had no idea what I was going through, and none of them understood what I had gone through, but I was proud of myself. I recognized how astonishing it was that I was still kind to others. People have mistreated me, shattered my heart, and practically stabbed me in the back, yet I have stayed kind. Even after all of this, I still cared about people. Really? Yes, I soon realized that I was unique. People act out of rage, seek revenge, and I choose to be fair and go out of my way for them. I never considered my kindness to be a character flaw. The only important factor that changed was the people to whom I decided to extend my compassion. I would always be kind and unique since it is not people that mold my personality and behavior, but my ability to react to them. I should really be proud of the way I managed the last few months, the secret fights I fought, and the times I was knocked down but got back up. People would know why I was done peopling, but would they check on me, would they look for me, would they notice me? I should be proud of myself because I was a fighter. It was time to honor my strength. I needed to start loving myself.
“We have to allow ourselves to be loved by the people who really love us, the people who really matter. Too much of the time, we are blinded by our own pursuits of people to love us, people that don’t even matter, while all that time we waste and the people who do love us have to stand on the sidewalk and watch us beg in the streets! It’s time to put an end to this. It’s time for us to let ourselves be loved.”
― C. JoyBell C.