“There are some things in this world you rely on, like a sure bet. And when they let you down, shifting from where you’ve carefully placed them, it shakes your faith, right where you stand.”
― Sarah Dessen
It is all my fault and always was it. Higher expectations, unrealistic dreams, just imaginary passages would lead me to disappointment. I experienced on this life on Earth, two major types of disappointment: from others and from me. In both cases, I put my hopes, trust, and expectations on the table. The one from others was uncomfortable to manage because I put my hopes and dreams in someone’s else hands. Nobody can do your job better than yourself; I mean you can try but it would not be the way you expect. Many times I made plans and organized different activities with my friends, and for a reason or another everything would fall out like a card tower. Feelings of anxiety, an uncomfortable mood, and culminating with a tantrum would just make everything seemed worst than actually were these moments. It took me a while to understand that we all have a different life with various activities and what seems important for me might not even be a priority for someone else. Was easy to understand that my free time with their free time, if intersected, would lead to some time together, otherwise we all have free will, and nothing stops and holds no one. Once someone disappointed me I looked forward to filling up the empty time with something for myself. The first movie in a theater by myself was a delightful experience, undisturbed and captivated by the scenario. The first meal in a restaurant was so delicious and had a lot of garlic that made the Italian food taste even better than anytime before. The first trip alone was a refreshing hiking trail that changed my mood, brought pink color on my cheeks, and filled my soul with pure energy. The first night alone got me curled on the couch, comfy pajamas, a cozy blanket, and my favorite book in hand. I said before that I am an optimist, but that helped me look for something good in every bad situation. Being disappointed was not the end of the world, actually opened a whole new world, right there where everything seemed lost and vanished.
“If you don’t challenge yourself, you will never realize what you can become” – Unknown
Disappointment took me out of tracks, but where I couldn’t walk I swam, and where I couldn’t swim I flown. I lost things, opportunities, and people but I gained much more from all of these. I learned to adapt, I understood that a new challenge brought me a new horizon. A different point of view was a different way to approach something impossible to handle in a fast forward turn. A great chess player spends a higher amount of time replaying his lost game than he was actually playing it. Losing one game doesn’t mean giving up on playing it again, is just a matter of adjustment, transformation, and challenges. Someone who plays an instrument would spend more time learning than actually performing. The journey would bring much more satisfaction than the actual destination because it is important to understand why some things happen the way they do. Some would call that hope but I like to call it ” the spark” because it shines in curious eyes and brings light into a dark room. Once the spark is ignited than would always be a chance for the next steps. We should look at this life as a hiking trail when you have an idea where you need to get but you don’t know the path, and just follow the marks. Unfortunately, life doesn’t come with trail marks, and we get ourselves lost in places without even knowing if we are in the right direction. The good part is that when a door closes, a new one opens, and once something starts it needs to be finished. Even if we found ourselves on a lost path, sooner or later the steps and intuition would change the direction in the right way. It was sad when life threw me under the bus and left me there in the middle of the road without a destination or at least a map. Today, I am glad for all those hard times because I would never discover hidden trails and paths of this life without getting lost. What kept me alive all this time was my ability to reinvent myself and to use those challenges in my own favor and that helped me grow, and it wouldn’t be possible without “the spark”. I wish you not facing hard challenges in life, but in case you’ll ever happen to follow the path of disappointment, I want to remind you that no one stood down at least they accepted to do that, otherwise everyone faced the hard times with pride. Only when I made it to the other side I realized what I achieved, so if you are still struggling probably means that your journey is not done yet and I wish you the strength to continue.
“Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy – the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation.”
― Eric Hoffer
The other type of disappointment was in me, and it was only my fault. The eggs we don’t put in one basket, especially when that basket is not even yours. Trust, hope and expectations are sweet words that burn the most. Between these two lines come out the major lesson, that we don’t realize unless we experience it. I had friends and family that meant the world to me, and I would give my soul to them. A big weakness from this life is kindness, and some of us gave too much unnecessarily. I don’t know stocks and trades are not my points but when you invest everything you have in one place it might be a risky move to make and is almost always the lead to failure. Let’s resume my whole experience with the fact that one morning I woke up and all my stocks have vanished. Every single penny and all my investment disappear like was never there. It can happen with an earthquake, a fire, a tsunami, or a breakup and the damages are very similar. That disappointment shook my ground and made me realized that was the moment when I either get up or die, and that can be literally or just metaphorical. Stages of disappointment increased from content, displeased, unhappy, distressed to inconsolable. The good part was that lower than that I couldn’t go anywhere, as I reached the bottom. Thanks to science that I knew that nothing is lost forever unless is still alive, and that was the only worry I had, to stay alert and aware that breathing is essential. From there on was only hope, trust, and expectations from myself, with my eggs, my basket, on my hunt.
“It was one of those times you feel a sense of loss, even though you didn’t have something in the first place. I guess that’s what disappointment is- a sense of loss for something you never had.”
― Deb Caletti
I welcome you to follow the tale of that young lady that lower her expectations and trusted her intuitions to overcome disappointment and after that, she never falls out of her hope and doubted herself in the journey of her life on Earth…
….continue reading the rest of the tale in PART 33