My demons know each other already and they made a pact to never interfere in my fights, so the duel is between my own thoughts. No one can interfere in my own reality and change my beliefs, and whatever is determining me to take decisions, is only from my own set of rules. I get caught in the vortex of events and I cannot discern between reality and dreams, I wish for things to happen in a certain way just to realize that my expectations were not met. I don’t achieve my wishes because I don’t believe enough, but because I obsess about it day after day, or I lack controlling them. I cannot control my own body, and sometimes not even that seems to be part of myself, living like a lost soul in a corpse that carries me from work to home. I am falling slave to the passions that consume me with the lust that burns in my eyes and leads me to failure. I am not the master of my life, but a slave to my own desires, and I am losing hope after each disillusion I created in my foggy mind. I am thinking I am in control, and I can achieve what I proposed, I live with the false impression that if I stick to my plans everything will happen the way I thought. It’s foolish and tough to believe that life doesn’t step up in front of me, creating barriers, forming illusions, and trying to divert me from my journey. I am hiding behind dark curtains my feelings and I am afraid to admit when I am weak because that would mean that I determined the fault to happen, and I left fail to determine my trajectory. Everything goes down tumbling the road, not on the easy path, but on the rough one because I couldn’t control my passions, my emotions, and my words.

“My fault, my failure, is not in the passions I have, but in my lack of control of them.”

― Jack Kerouac

How will I know the truth if no one tells me? How can I distinguish between lies when all are said with the same intonation? Should I stay ignorant and pretend that all is fine, or look for it and get greatly disappointed? Can I tear walls for someone that feels comfortable inside and is where feels secure? I can barely be separated from my criticism and compliments; how will I be able to move on with arrogance and with the tough in mind that I can never fail? I can block my heart from getting me in trouble, and live empty and deserted. I can distract myself from my own limits and try to become rigid and robotic, but for how long? I am just adding in a short distance a long row of domino pieces, brick after brick, and adding more reasons to collapse. When the road builds up and is long enough, whenever I thought that I will forget the past, everything came tumbling down, reminding me that nothing remains and there is no place to hide my feelings, resurfacing the failures I tried to hide. I can try to lock myself in my mind, but the heart will always remind me that everything is getting rotten from the core.

“Do not let arrogance go to your head and despair to your heart; do not let compliments go to your head and criticisms to your heart; do not let success go to your head and failure to your heart.”

― Roy T. Bennett

I can try to force and release my darkest thoughts with exothermic forces but is really the power of endothermic reaction that will change my own self. I need to find the way that would work for me, and that would happen after many failed attempts. One after another, these trials will feel like another death sentence to my life, believing that there is no reason to look forward to another try. Why does it even matter to succeed once when I failed thousands of times and the time wasted would never be recovered? Usually, the only time that works is the last one, and I usually get there when I am already exhausted and too weak. When I try too hard and use all the resources, the moment I would succeed would be the one when I can barely believe in any miracles, I will be drained by any desires, and I would rather accept that I failed. Tired of feeling lost and tired of letting go I would feel like a breathless disappointment, like blowing in 100 candles knowing that the next time might never come, or it will be hardest than the one before.

“I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”

― Benjamin Franklin

The actions of the ones outside of my inner peace can affect me only if I allow them to influence me. I cannot be responsible for someone’s thoughts about me, as well I can’t blame anyone for spending too much time in my mind. I try as much as I can bare it, to try my best I can in the days that come. I cannot blame others for my mistakes, for getting me angry, or for all the failures I’ve been through. After all, I am just a passenger in a moving freight train, which sometimes adds better wagons, and I can get a little more comfortable on my way. No one is forced to participate in the same games I play, no one is going to replace my struggles because everyone is in their own way. I intersect with others in my journey, I share moments in time, and in the end, I part ways, each of us with our own baggage and failures going on their way. Some of us will take different strategies to stop disappointing our own expectations, for others would be just another day of hope. One day I will be so tired of seeing the walls of this world torn down, a pile of disappointment, tired of feeling lost and from nothing left, knowing only that I tried, but failed in this domino effect of failure.

“You’re not obligated to win. You’re obligated to keep trying. To the best you can do everyday.”

― Jason Mraz


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