“When a person screams in pain, the actual pain is only half the noise they make. The other half is the terror at being forced to accept that they exist.”
― Noah Cicero
We are hiding in ourselves and putting in front a false mask that shows a smile and happy face, but who are we fooling? The mirror sees the dark circles in the morning, and the pillow is soaked in tears every night. We are trying to rip the heart from our chest and forbid every feeling because whatever is felt is only bringing the pain. A stone to replace a heart that once was filled with love is only what we are praying for. There is no hope, nor anything to give the spark is just a rusty pot that boils the rain drops and the dew on a back burner on the stove. No one is bothered to move it from there, no one even sees the rust that covers all around, and no one has that much courage to just throw it finally in the trash. There is a stillness in that uncomfortable state of mind and nothing leaves or comes, is just a lost echo that screams from pain but no one hears it and gets lost into surroundings like a build-in wall project. With trembled hands, without the power to advance in any areas proposed, is just a struggle to still be in a world where we are forced to live without a heart. The energy is lost with every step we take, and there is no input because everything was filling up the space, got dusted, and now is just an empty space. If anything is heard is just the lost echo that was carried by the wind, went around the world for answers, and return like a boomerang with the last forces just to settle back to its roots. Only two sad eyes are looking straight through the foggy veil, and in that stillness and the dust, from time to time just blinking reminding that there is still life left and forced to accept that still exists.
“Once people see you cry, it’s like they own part of you. It’s like you ripped a hole in yourself, and they saw through whatever armor you had on, got a good long view of all the screaming alien goop underneath.”
― Stefan Bachmann
We uncover our skin and we take layers off from our soul, we expose a vulnerability in front of people and we accept that we are weak. However, there is not the shame and the fact that we were naked, the truth is that we left others in to see in our souls. We are opening up and sharing our true feelings, we are putting the swords down and stopping fighting against the feelings and we are flipping the coin to choose the side and path that need to follow. There is always a choice and once we make decisions the mind that changes are only going to carry on regret. There is always too much baggage to carry in our journey, and loaded with too much regret only makes our life miserable and filled with pain and lust. We are not always seeing clear and we make decisions based on expectations and on our old beliefs, thus new challenges are scary and we might avoid a drastic change in life. We are staying comfortable in our place, acting on that stage where everyone is pleased and is admiring our role, but only we know that behind those masks and heavy costumes, stays just their dreams and we are dead inside. When we leave our tears to finally leave their home, they burn in flash and melt aways those layers of the false self, and as a flame that melts the wax that touches from so much love, our own tears melt the pain aways leaving behind an exposed pure heart. That is the only moment when we are truly naked and vulnerable when we are true with ourselves and we leave the walls to fall and the tears to wash away the pain and the mask. There is no more embarrassment, just released soul and peace with ourselves.
“So you’re lost, uh? Happens a lot out here. You walk around for days, seeing things, losing your bearings, crying out for God, But He can’t hear you. You can scream and scream but nobody’ll ever hear you.”
― Craig Davidson
We are judging our friends and family, and we getting also angry at mighty God. We are losing tracks and we mistaken routes through life, finding ourselves lost in the unknown. We are hiding from the ones we love because we don’t have enough courage to accept that we were wrong, we are not finding a reason to go back and to forget. We are screaming from pain, but our voice is trapped in our chest and words are not leaving our mouth, petrifying every vowel, and freezing every consonant. Those layers of truth that we unfolded now cannot cover our empty soul, and that courage brought us exposed in front of reality, unprepared. We are blaming the Universe for days until we are able to understand that we are the ones responsible for our actions and if there is anyone to blame, is us. The days are spinning in the calendar and no events are still important, because there is anything there to celebrate. What is left to mark this year? The day we left without tracing back the steps, the days we swallow our words before we could say “I’m sorry”, the time we let them go while we were still in love? What is the day that would change everything and that one decision that we took, if changed, will bring us back the life we wish for? Don’t try to scream again, under the water there is no echo, there is no answers, just darkness and the suffocating breathing that is drowning with every inhale.
“No art is silent! Because art is an original idea and every original idea speaks, every interesting thought screams, every art talks, every art screams! No art is silent! If it is silent, then it is not an art!”
― Mehmet Murat ildan
Even though pain is emptiness is scary, there is still something that always made these feelings part of art. There is no song without calling out someone we loved, there is no brush that traced the lines without having someone in their mind. We hear the lyrics and the notes, however, behind them are the story that drives the artist to use all of the pain and vulnerability and transform them into original art. The ones that express joy in their art are usually expressing gratitude and appreciation for their gain, however, the ones that are less fortunate are express their feelings in a special way. The ones they miss too much are ripping a part of their soul and adding it to those pieces, and those they lost their loved ones are using pieces of their heart to create art. We might look at art and feel the stillness but from all those parts are screaming underwater everything that was left unspoken, unseen, and unresolved.
….continue reading the rest of the tale in PART 65