Once upon a time, in the middle of the forest, in a small house with thin smoke from the top, a spare light shine through the crooked windows, where a young lady was getting ready for Christmas. The snow that felt off in the past couple of days, were making even harder the access from the back door, to bring dry wood for her chimney. She put one more time the wool covers for her boots, wrapped them around the ankles, with some thick threat. The coat was old but it was still keeping her warm in the winter, and every week, she added one more piece of leather, stitched on top of the others. The black cover for her head left me to see only her eyes, beautiful brown eyes, and a little of her pink cheeks, that instantly turned red in contact with the cold air. The shovel was next to the door, and some water was still dripping from the handle; she used it just minutes before. Two steps in the front and a big chunk of ice felt in front of her from the roof… -That was close! Her heart starts pounding fast. So many times she almost lost her balance on that thick ice, and many more, all her work was covered with more snow from the roof. Finally, she reached the shed, opened the old door that squicked loud and the wind blew through the holes. “Five pieces should be enough for tonight”, she thought and she grabbed them with the wool mittens, that was the only memory left from her grandma. She closed the door behind her. It started snowing, and for the next morning she will need another whole day to clean up the path, but that night was Christmas Eve, and she had to finish decorating the tree.

Another piece of wood started to burn, and the flames were making light in the small room. She poured the hot water in the cup with dry herbs, and she moved next to the chimney, where the Christmas tree looked so majestic. The fresh-cut tree, in the light of the flames, with the red cover on the bottom, white cotton around the branches, looked so precious with all the lights, the globes, and the angel from the top. It almost looked like the tree of life in the middle of the Universe.

On the very bottom, the red carpet looked like Pluto, shining a vibrated color that gave the surrounded area from above a beautiful reflection. The larger area from the bottom could be the Hyperboreans, the first part of our evolution with Saturn and Jupiter rotating from the branches. The middle part could be Lemurians, the seed, the warmth, and the love that kept the top and the bottom together. From the branches, were hanged, Mars and Venus. The smallest part, greener and thinner was Atlantis, decorated with Apollo and Artemis. The small part from the very top with two fragile branches, like it was still growing and was not fully developed, was Aryan with his Mercury. Too small to hang anything from that part, but somehow she could see the top surrounded by Omega, Andromeda, Milky Way, Uranus, and Neptune. On the top was a shining angel. The whole tree was decorated with stars from the solar system, luminaries went around like the solstice from the spring to winter, with those spherical globes similar to the planets, and the angel from the top, with one and only Polaris. The presents under the tree- were the gift she received in that life. The Carols were the harmonical sounds that heal the heart with lyrics almost mathematical. The reason she loved Christmas so much, was because it reminded her every year of where she was coming from, and where she would return after would unfold all the presents received on that Christmas Eve.

The first present she opened was “Karma“; something she wouldn’t expect less. Suddenly deep sadness could be seen on her face, looking straight to flames, her thoughts went far away, back to those days when she was stuck in the same patterns. She used to take the same route to work, she used to see the same people, she used to do the same things every weekend. Everything was the same until one day she decided that she needs to change her life…but she decided to leave behind whatever she felt also..without knowing at that time, that everything she had, come after her in time.

The first lesson she learned was only a few miles away from her home. She looked nostalgic while she remembered how a grown-up woman, surrounded by suitcases that fit her whole life in, was on her knees on the floor.

She was at the airport in Rome, with big tears rolling on her face, looking at the plane that had just taken off to the destination she always dreamed of, New York. You are probably wondering how that happened, for someone who plans everything ahead at least a few weeks before, who is organized and meticulous in her entire life. It’s hard to say, especially since everything was in time, and her first flight from Romania arrived a few minutes earlier. She even got a chance to enjoy a cup of espresso with almond milk, only the size of a thumb, whose flavor was out of this world, fresh and a little bitter like she never tasted before. The airport was not that big compared to the one in Munich, that could be a good jogging exercise, but as the people around her and due to the vibe that the city gives, she took her suitcases and slowly rolled them down the ale in the smooth noise of the squeaky wheels. She found her gate; she chose a seat next to the big clean window so she could enjoy these giant metal birds landing and taking off – It is still a mystery for me how such a giant vehicle can fly, or even travel over the Atlantic Ocean- It was a little bit intimidating and scary, but nothing could stop her now, she was on her way to change her life, to make a difference
in this world, and she had big dreams in those two purple suitcases. She made herself comfortable in her chair, she took the book from her purse, confident that she was in the right place, earlier than usual for her and she starts reading Daphne Adeane by Maurice Baring, a mysterious and beautiful story from the 1900s. She was caught by the story through all her senses, she started living with the intensity of the boiling water that tries to find a way to absorb the whole heat, and spin around in circles of curiosity until someone turns the stove off. The airplane next to the window was making so much noise and made her lift her eyes from the book, and she stopped reading for a second.

It has been a while since she was sitting there. Did she even wonder when was her next flight? She took out the ticket from her pocket, and in a few seconds, from the boiling water, she was a hard piece of ice carved in the shape of The Scream of Edvard Munch. She couldn’t move, she couldn’t cry, she couldn’t even scream; she was stunned. It took her a few moments before she grabbed her suitcases and starts running like a rolling bowl of flame with tears rolling on her face. She ran as fast as she could, faster than any moment in her life, but it was too late; the gate was closed, the plane was gone; she thought her dreams were over. She went down on her knees and she felt like if the floor would open at that moment, she would happily just go inside and close it after her. She was in between two places, where she left everything and where she doesn’t have anything. She didn’t have enough money for another ticket, she didn’t have a working phone, she didn’t know anybody, and she was lost in Rome.

But even in the worst moment of our life, a good thing will happen, because God didn’t let us wake up this morning without a reason. While she was there on the floor, a tall lady came next to her. Her name was Anne, and she was working for Alitalia, the same airline company she just missed her flight. She bent down to her and she started talking. At first, she couldn’t hear what she was saying, it felt like a dream when she told her: “Miss, we called you many times, where have you been?”. She was still crying when she told Anne with a slow and sad voice: “I was here”. Anne helped her get up and they walked to her desk. She couldn’t ask for much, but Anne offered to spend the next two hours looking for a connection flight, so she could get to her destination. In those two hours, her whole world spanned to the point where she couldn’t catch her breath. But just to find the ticket would be too easy. She had to pay in cash, a penalty fee in order to get another ticket. Annes and her went to the closest ATM and after a fast calculus converting the Romanian lei in euros, she realized that she doesn’t have enough money; she was missing 20 euros to get her ticket. Like all of those were not enough already, she was there, in the middle of the airport, asking for some change. She got 10 euros from Anne and another 10 euros as a discount from the airline company. She felt so blessed at that moment. After the whole process, Anne hands her the tickets, took her to the right gate, to make sure she will be on the next flight, and left.

She could finally breathe normally, but she was still holding the ticket tight in her hand, looking from the big window, rewinding in her mind the episode that just ended. She knew then that her languages were too heavy to carry in a new world so she had left in Rome all her fears, her tears, her regrets, and she stepped into a new life that was just about to start.

“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.”

― Eckhart Tolle

From that day to this Christmas eve, it passed almost seven years, but the memories she had, were still fresh in her mind, just to remind her of the turning point of her life. As she wanted to put the box of karma down, thinking that the lessons of karma were learned, heard an unusual voice around. “Do you hear the loud noise from the torn paper?” asked the voice. First looked around scared but answered almost instantly “It sounds like a piece of rusted metal foil cut it with a broken scissor.” The voice continues asking “Do you smell the ink from those letters left unfinished?”. Her voice trembled as she answers, “It smells like fresh tears that didn’t have time to dry out”. The last voice question was” Do you see the pile of ripped letters from the floor?”. She turned her face to her desk, and with sadness in her voice said, “It looks like broken pieces of a soul from someone who couldn’t sleep for nights thinking of the loved one.” Almost like a strict teacher, the voice continued,” Now imagine how would you live with the deep disappointment of something that you never lived. I do not think is something worst in human feelings than the one when your heart hurts. It is an uncontrollable feeling when you are helpless, you are weak, and you are lost. It can look like a tear in a wall, like the wind that blows from there, like the water that drains from there. The only one who does not fit through that tear is the sun, and nothing makes the days brighter when you have a broken heart. I might not even be real, but tell me, can you love someone that you never met before?”, “Yes”, she sighed, “there is not such a thing”, said almost arguing. “We met before, in many lives, and many times. It has been nights and days waiting for him, I sketched his charming smile in my dreams, I imagined the moment when we will meet every morning that I opened my eyes. My hands were sweating, and my heart was pounding so hard when I heard the phone ringing. The coffee that touched my lips was soft and bitter like his kiss. His eyes were bright and curious when we accidentally met in the city. He has always been with me, in every moment when I cried, or I abandoned myself in other men’s arms. I searched for his calm words in every book I read, in every movie I watched, and in every song, I listened to. I do, I loved him even before I met him. His love tears me apart and keeps me alive when nothing else can do it. He is the hope I kept in my broken soul, he is the true love I never felt, he is the desire that burns my heart, he is my favorite part of this human life.” Her cheeks turned red, as she pleaded with so much passion her argument. But the voice sounded nostalgic after her discuss and continue to tell her “You are free to make whatever choice you want, but you are not free from the consequences of your choices. When there is a choice to be made is never ours because we already decided what we wanted. Are the faith and hope you put in someone’s else hands.” Almost disappointed she said “This is what kills me the most in this life on Earth. Why must we leave our lives in someone’s else hands to decide the future for us? I wished for something with all my heart and I was willing to give it all, but then is a choice to be made. My life would change forever, and a new path would follow the choice is made.” Looking nostalgic at the flames she said almost for herself” All these crossroads just make the journey so complicated, and the roads get so tangled. I always wonder if other choices were being made, how would my life look like today? The choices I made with my first kiss, my first night of love, my first heartbreak, my first marriage, would change the person I am today? Probably it would but that would change my purpose in life also.” Almost disturbing her thoughts, the voice sounded clear and firm “To have the power to reunite two broken hearts that shared their life together and came to a crossroads when things feel impossible to recover, would be a gift to have or a curse?”. She sighed and continued like she remembered hard moments from her life “I would change that choice I have for my soul’s protection or I should be grateful that I could heal two hearts that almost lost each other. First, were my indecisions that came with youth age when being petrified in front of the words he told me in the night with the silver moon he loves someone else. Not even the sweet escapes from the front window after the train passes close to midnight would count anymore. Walking in the dark with fear but excitement for a few hours before things will disappear in the morning would not care anymore, either. A choice was made already. Second, was my surprise for being left behind without explanations for someone else in a different country. Those cold winters cuddle under thick blankets, and new songs that kept company till morning would be forgotten. The cold coffee had in that empty place and a mom that knew what was best for her son that was already gone, could not respond to my questions anymore. A choice was made already. Third, I gave up on a lost soul that could not decide his path. Was better to leave behind what never could be possible when everything crumbled in front of my eyes and broke into pieces that were about to change forever in my heart. The freedom and the courage to take control of any type of situation. Cannot be more thankful for that time. The rest of the time just vanished as it had never been before, and if one day in front of me would be to see, I would just match a ghost that disappears and was never meant to be. The choice was made already. Last, was what broke me the most and put me back in the best shape I ever had. The choice was in my favor and without that tower moment, I would never realize that matrixes are made for believers not for stubborn like me. And then, was HIM. I have forgotten for one moment everything I knew before and I was trusting love again. One look, one moment, and everything got stopped. Working a whole life to clean the roads and to create a safe map for my journey and he put flowers on my way. Soft and delicate petals took my breath away. He created the sweet smell of almond honey on his lips and cedarwood in his hair. He had the look and the charm for being admired a whole life further. Would not be enough to count the sparkles from my eyes but was just a flash in the middle of the road. Nighttime can create illusions and not everything we see is real. But his look, like I, never seen before; his touch, like never felt before; his kiss, that never tasted in my life. Crossroads again, and blinking light, turned right and left behind just dark. No silver moon, no shining stars, no wheel’s tracks, just the sign that was there for me to make the turn.” 

            The room got quiet, the crack from wood sounded louder and then the voice said” Choices are made to change directions, but those choices change a person for the rest of their life. Choices are made to mess up what you would never know and what you would never feel again. To move on from a choice is powerful and is weak, is never enough, and never again. Is the oath you make all the time, and the one you will always break. The only way to escape a choice is to never have an option. We are no more than an architecture that once was built from marble and shined with pride on its solid foundation. We filled up our knowledge and we gather everything we could in our brilliant minds. But there is so much that we can add until our capacity reaches the limits. Everything we accumulate in a lifetime becomes denser to the point where there is no space left to add. In extreme pressure and an intense process of metamorphosis, everything we have turns into a heavy stone that feels heavy in the stomach. Whatever was fluid and flown warm in the soul, got stuck in the gather and nothing leaves or comes. We are stuck in our bodies without an emergency exit, we are forced to live with the ruins we gather around us. Is not helping to wash and polish the outside, attaching a beautiful smile when everything inside is rotten. When we cannot give or gain, we get stuck in the roots too deep to move, too weak to pull, slowly we get abandoned and forgotten. We leave one more brick to fall, we let the rain wash the wounds, we allow the wind to go through our empty rooms. Her eyes sparked fire as she looked across the room, she stood up and asked loud and fast like she was afraid will never get the answers to her questions “Is it even worth building? Is it even worth loving? Is it even worth living?” The voice continued slowly trying to bring her calmness “We have a window of time when we can create, succeed, and shine, but time does not wait, and the shininess gets dull. We had the spark, we had the lust, we have been polished with every good intention, unfortunately for the wrong people. Someone can break you in pieces and shred your feelings in a grinder, but who is going to want an abandoned soul? We are looking for expensive things, and we forget to repair and refurbish what was damaged. We are throwing words in people like they are nothing, and we do not try their shoes to see what means to suffer from abandonment. When there is no place for regrets and there is no time for patching, where do we leave? We follow a path that takes us nowhere in a time that shows only seconds. There is a single road to walk on, and no one turns around; we keep on walking when nothing is left to build, to love, or live”. “We are quiet when we are alone because there is nothing to entertain a sad soul? she asked curiously. The voice continues” We sit in our place waiting for something to move, but stillness is kept in place and not even wind is passing by. No one knows what time you cried when you went to bed and if you ever made it in the morning. So many people are left behind, no one is checking if there is any help to give, or if there is something we might do. We are shadows that move around, and once we leave the room nobody remembers we were there. We leave too fast, we never look behind, we abandon souls that love us, and we do not have any regrets. We see the light is open until midnight, but no one knows what is the reason: someone was sick, or they just wondered, they needed help, or only praying? We have dreams we want to accomplish with too much passion, we are trying until we can succeed, and when we cannot continue, we make a pause. We do not love someone and then abandon, we do not plant a tree, and then we do not water. We are getting tired and we rest, we get up and continue because no one has an excuse for their responsibilities. We abandon our homes and leave in places too far from our hearts, we abandon dreams that we will never achieve, we abandon souls that do not know any better than loving us, we abandon ourselves and we become just ruins.” Before she could ask any more questions, the voices got quieter and did not say a word. She waited there for a while for a sign but when she realized the voice would not come back.

“Most misunderstandings in the world could be avoided if people would simply take the time to ask, “What else could this mean?”

― Shannon L. Alder

She put the karma box aside and picked another present, the “Ego“. – continue reading in next PART


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *